5 Minute Slayer: Season 1
by SlaymasterGeneral
Summary: The plot of a 40 minute Buffy episode condensed into 5 minutes with a twist! Cos stuff is long and life is short.
1. Welcome to the Hellmouth

Authors Note: Hi! So basically these are the regular Buffy episodes condensed into five minutes with a comedic twist. This is all done in a sense of fun so don't take it to seriously. Also I'm hoping this won't get removed so for 'guidelines' reasons i hope you know who 'Mr. Creator' is...Enjoy!

Disclaimer: All Characters and plots belong to Joss Whedon and his mutant underlings

**Welcome to the Hellmouth**

**High School**: Hello and welcome. For the next three or so seasons, (or until I go BOOM) you will embark on a journey through the heart of the darkest of evil.... PUBLIC SCHOOL.

**Darla**: Over here! Token villain alert! Yeesh. What a girl has to do to get a decent close-up around here.

**Joyce**: Smile pretty, dear. You're about to enter your first establishing scene.  
**Buffy**: But---?  
**Joyce**: Oh, it's simple. I'll go first. Ahem. Hi! I'm Joyce Summers, Buffy's mother and occasional antagonist!  
**Xander**: (skateboards by) Hey! I'm Alexander Lavelle Harris. I'm a goof off and not really equipped with any special powers. Ooh! But my knuckles _do_ bend like this and---  
**Willow**: (cuts him off as fast as possible) I'm Willow Rosenberg. I hack into computers and am decidedly _not_ gay..... that part comes later.  
**Buffy**: We're doomed.

**Buffy**: Hey! I'm Buffy... and you already know pretty much everything about me from the show's title.

**Cordelia**: Hey Willow? Just re-informing you that you suck.  
**Willow**: I suck? Who's the one who missed the establishing scene, Shallow-head?  
**Cordelia**: Huh? Like, no way! Who forgot to beep me?  
**Willow**: And so you all get a little insight into Cordy's mind. I know, not much to see. And... well, that's not really going to change any time in the near future.

**Random Girl**: AAAAAAAAAHHHH! DEAD MAN IN MY LOCKER!  
**Dead Guy**: No kiddin'. *THUNK*  
**Buffy**: That would be my cue...

**Giles**: Jolly good day, wouldn't you say?  
**Buffy**: Okay, if you're going to be watcher, we have _so_ got to work those British-isms out of your system STAT.  
**Giles**: Poppycock! Not bloody likely!  
**Buffy**: Oh, we'll see about that.

**Master**: MWAHAHAHA! I am the Master! (dramatic pause)  
**Darla**: Dad? We're out of fresh humans in the pantry!  
**Master**: Well, don't come crawling to me if you pigged out last night! Children these days! I ask you!  
**Darla**: Mole face.  
**Master**: Someone needs a time out!

**Buffy**: Hey, I've seen these dark alley scenes before. If I'm not mistaken--- *KICK* Hee-yah!  
**Angel**: *THUNK* Ow!

**Angel**: The eagle flies at midnight! Redrum!  
**Buffy**: Psychopath. (walks off)  
**Angel**: Rats. Gotta work on that cryptic-guy thing.

**Willow**: And this is the Bronze, viewer-like people!  
**Buffy**: when did you become Hostess girl? Thought you were a shy, unassuming type in the first season?  
**Willow**: Huh? Oops. That's what I get for reading ahead....

**Giles**: Feel the energy flowing through you. Be one with the life force surrounding you--  
**Buffy**: Just how many times will I have to use Star Wars references with you around, Obi Wan?

**Luke**: And so we walk the earth! Killing and maiming mine enemies!  
**Buffy**: If Giles is the walking textbook, I suppose that makes you the walking Vampire Bible.  
**Luke**: AMEN!  
**Buffy**: Puh-lease.  
**Luke**: What? Am I not scary enough?  
**Buffy**: With a name like Luke? Not of the very.

**Buffy**: *THWAP*  
**Luke**: Ow! *SMACK*  
**Buffy**: OW!  
**Luke**: And the people begged, "Give us better fight scenes!"  
**Buffy**: AMEN!

**Xander**: Ruuuun!  
**Vampire**: *SNARL*  
**Willow**: Ruuuun!  
**Vampire #2**: *HISS*  
**Jesse**: Damn, my neck hurts. (pause) Oh. I mean, RUUUUUN!  
**Darla**: Some better chase scenes might be a reasonable request too, Mr. Creator!

**The Creator**: (sitting in his inner sanctum) Xander... Jesse... Xander... Jesse... Xander... Jesse... Aw, heck. (flips a coin) Xander lives!

(_The little Grr! Argh! demon skitters across the screen on a Go Cart_)


	2. The Harvest

**The Harvest**

**Giles**: You have seen the Slayer at work. You must now join her in the struggle to save the world.  
**Xander**: And why us?  
**Giles**: Well, because you're both... I mean, you have.... Well.... Eh, just bear with me kid. If you want to be a bloody regular and instantly fall under the "in mortal danger, but we know the character isn't going to kick it" category, you need to get real close with Buffy.  
**Xander**: They wouldn't try to kill Buffy?  
**Giles**: NEVER! What would the show be then? Blank the Vampire Slayer?  
**Willow**: (laughs hysterically) Buffy, die? That's a good one.

**Willow**: You have to save Jesse!  
**Buffy**: I'll try.  
**Willow**: Just _try_?  
**Buffy**: Somehow, I'm thinking his death is a gimme. I mean, did _you_ see him listed in the opening credits as a regular? He has 'expendable' stamped on his forehead.

**Angel**: Boo!  
**Buffy**: You again?  
**Angel**: WAH! That's not what you're supposed to say.

**Buffy**: Another dark, creepy, tunnel? Alright, what hell beastie is creeping up on me this time?  
**Xander**: Heya!  
**Buffy**: Now there's a dramatic scene that just _did not_ live up to the hype.

**Cordelia**: So, like, Buffy's this wacko with a stick!  
**Willow**: Stake.  
**Cordelia**: What would _you_ know about it?  
**Willow**: Erm, nothing.

**Harmony**: So Cordelia told me that Buffy is this wack-job with a stick!  
**Surfer Boy**: Duude! NO WAY!  
**Harmony**: Yes, way!  
**Willow**: Cordy has such nice, intellectually advanced friends, doesn't she?

**Jesse**: MWAHAHA! I am a vampire now!  
**Buffy**: And is there anyone who's actually _surprised_ by this turn of events?

**Buffy**: Jesse's dead. He's a vampire.  
**Willow**: Yep. So I assum--- (pause) I-I mean! GASP! No!  
**Buffy**: No surprise for you either, huh?

**Giles**: I have discovered what will give this whole show a plot!  
**Xander**: Ooo. Do tell, Sherlock.  
**Giles**: This is the Hellmouth. We are standing directly on top of it.  
**Xander**: Pretty convenient, wouldn't you say?  
**Giles**: Never mock the plot device. Just shut up and play along.

**Jesse**: I wear black too! For am I an evil vampire who--- Damn, it's hard to talk with these teeph in my mouph. Makeup?

**Luke**: (in the dark) One! Two! One, two, three! HIT IT! (Lights come up) Oh. Sorry, but you know Hollywood... always gotta have a backup career in mind. I was thinking MTV Vee-Jay, myself---

**Luke**: I feel fear! I feel the Master's hunger! I feel-- *THUNK*  
**Buffy**: Pain?  
**Luke**: (on the floor, out of the shot) Quite.

**Xander**: Alright! That's it!  
**Jesse**: Grrr! Phhhear me!  
**Xander**: *STAKE*  
**Jesse**: *POOF*  
**Xander**: Dork couldn't even speak with fake teeth in his mouth.

**Buffy**: I'm sensing a theme, here. *STAKE*  
**Luke**: *POOF*  
**Buffy**: _None_ of these vampires can speak with fangs in their mouth.  
**Xander**: First thing, Season 2, we talk to the makeup department. That was just... sad.

**Giles**: One apocalypse down, several dozen to go!  
**Xander**: God help us all.

(_The little Grr! Argh! demon rides his cherry red scooter across the screen.._)


	3. The Witch

**Disclaimer:** it all belongs to Joss, as he is the Mutant Enemy Overlord. Cower in his witty presence

**Authors note: **Thanks so much for all the reviews! I'm glad you guys are enjoying this as much as I am cos these are so fun to write. I have up to episode 11 written so i will be updating pretty quickly if I keep getting reviews ;). Enjoy!

**The Witch**

Buffy: I have to prove I'm worth something. I have to show that my superhuman strength is only matched by my amazing intellect… Ooo! I know! I'll join the Cheerleading squad!

Student: So evil! S-so... s-so...  
Buffy: Where? I'll kill those vampires!  
Student: Huh? N-not vampires. Cheerleaders!

Willow: I heard they're using new cheers this year.  
Cheerleaders: RAH! Like, RAH! We ru-ule! And you su-uck! So there!  
Willow: Didn't say they were _good_ cheers...

Amy: No self confidence have I.  
Xander: Nor English skills apparently.

Masked Figure: I cast my black spell upon Cornilla!  
Spell: Error 404. No such character exists. Either hit 'refresh' or check the spelling of the address to insure---  
Masked Figure: Damnit.

Xander: Buffy! Would you like to--  
Buffy: Gotta go save the world again! Talk to you later, 'k?  
Xander: -- out Saturday night. Drat. (sigh) Oh well. I'll just try again later, I guess.  
Willow: Oh, I wouldn't worry. You will. At least a _dozen_ times per season.

Mom: Rough day?  
Amy: I got an error message on my spell. Life sucks.  
Mom (Amy): Especially when your own mother STEALS that life from you!  
Amy (Mom): Shut up, Amy!

Xander: Cordelia has been struck mysteriously blind--  
Willow: -- that other girl's hands spontaneously combusted--  
Giles: -- the girl in the science lab had her mouth seal over--  
Xander: -- _and_ Buffy's acting drunk.  
Willow: Of course, this means the school district will be taking immediate action. (pause) I'm thinking a strep throat notice.

Giles: She's casting evil, disfiguring spells by tying up all of these Barbies and slicing them up in much the same fashion that her victims are being attacked!  
Mom (Amy): Either that, or she _really_ hates Mattel.

Buffy: Ooo. Slow mo camera work.  
Giles: The reversal spell must be working!  
Buffy: Time to once again comment on just how badly our special effects suck this season.

Buffy: Must be one heck of a powerful spell there. Plunging your hands into the bubbling, dark ooze like that... I mean, you're even shaking and everything!  
Giles: Not... painful... just... very... COLD!

Mom (Mom): Grrr! Give me back your body! *THWAP*  
Buffy: *THUNK*  
Amy (Amy): Probably should have tied her up _before_ switching bodies back.  
Giles: Yes, I suck. This has been established. Let's move on.  
Amy: To the running away part?  
Giles: Precisely.

Buffy: *THUNK* Ow. Note to self: Never tell a dark, nasty witch, "Oh, grow up."

Cordelia: Yay! I can see! Time to go back to being an A-Class bitch!  
Girl: Yay! I have a mouth again!  
Buffy: Yay! Not tipsy from a lack of an immune system anymore!  
Giles: YAY!  
All: (stare)  
Giles: They, um, updated the... card catalogue. I'll be.. walking away now. Quickly.

_(The little Grr! Argh! Demon is wheeled across the screen on a gurney)_


	4. Teacher's Pet

**Teacher's Pet**

*Girl screams as vampire enters the Bronze, Buffy begins to punch*  
_Buffy: Hey Xander, OOF, nice dream sequence!__  
__Xander: What, how did you know that thi---__  
__Buffy: This is the first vampire in the series I haven't totally wailed on, yet you can down him in two punches.__  
__Xander: Good call, now if you'll excuse me, I need to channel Jimi Hendrix__  
_Buffy: Actually you need to wake up. You're slobbering all over your desk.

Dr. Gregory: Now, I'm going to pick on someone to embarrass with a question.  
Buffy: Willow, help me out! He's going to pick me!  
Willow: How do you know?  
Buffy: Cuz the show is "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," not "Willow the Wacky Wicca," I'm the protagonist! Help me out by miming answers or something.  
Dr. Gregory: Ms. Summers, how does the North American Hissing Cockroach mate?  
Willow: Uhm... *gulp*

Dr. Gregory: You know Buffy, if you just applied yourself, you could do great things at this school.  
Buffy: You're showing compassion. On _this_ series. To me. That means you're toast, extra boy.  
Mantis: Works for me! *GULP*

Angel: Big Fork Guy is coming.  
Buffy: Eh, at least it's not "Attack Of The 40-foot Cordelia."

Xander: Holy Gah- is that the new substitute teacher?  
Buffy: Given the drum-laden model-walkway-esque music that's filling the air, I'm gonna have to say yes.

Buffy: Ooo, look, obvious clue to someone's demise.  
Willow: Mm-maybe the janitor left them on the ground because of a massive janitor strike?  
Buffy: Optimistic much?  
Willow: Give us a break, already! It's only the first season.

Miss French: Blah blah blah Praying Mantis, blah blah blah Mantis blah blah.  
Buffy: She's a bit big on the mantis.  
Willow: Ya think?  
Buffy: Gee I wonder what this episode's major plot-twist is gonna be, it's not obvious at all.

Cordelia: AAAHHH, Dr. Gregory without his head! And this is my only scene in this fiver! WAAAAHHHH!  
Willow: Doesn't the _praying mantis_ decapitate its prey?  
Buffy: Nope, not obvious at all.  
*Big Fork Guy runs up to Miss French, then runs away*  
Buffy: Ooo, look over there! Away from the obvious plot. AWAY!

*Buffy peaks into the classroom*  
Miss French: *spinning head* Your mother sucke---  
Buffy: NO! There's already an exorcist reference in the show, we can't do it here.  
Random guy passing by: Hey, can't the _praying mantis_ rotate its he-  
Buffy: SHUT. UP.

*Miss French chows down on a cricket sandwich*  
Buffy: Alright, we _get_ the friggin' point already! AWAY obvious plot! AWAY!

Willow: Hey, the marks on Dr. Gregory's neck match _mantis_ teeth exactly!  
Buffy: Obvious plot, didn't you hear what I just said? Obvious K. Plot, would you please go now?  
Dr. Seuss's estate: *Attempts to sue 5MS*

Xander: What large, serrated hands you have.  
Miss French: All the better to imprison you with my dear.  
Xander: My what large, nibbly teeth you have.  
Miss French: All the better to bite your head off, my dear.  
Xander: What large, gravity-scoffing boobies you have.  
Miss French: All the better to seduce you with, my dear.  
Xander: …… You know, for a minute it sounded like there was going to be a downside, but damn if I can see it now.

Buffy: Let's kick down Miss French's door!  
Old Miss French: *aiming a gun at Buffy's head* Freeze motherf***a, you move and I'll blow your friggin' head off!  
Giles: Clearly, Charlton Heston is having a bad effect on the elderly.

Miss French: *starts laying eggs*  
Xander: I distinctly ordered a short stack, not eggs.  
Audience: Ewwwww.

BFG: If I tell you where she lives, and promise not to hurt you, will you not stake me?  
Buffy: Yes.  
BFG: There! Now.... Haha! I was lying!  
Buffy: Me too. *stake, poof.*

Miss French: I'm gonna kill you!  
Buffy: Oh please, I'm the title character.  
Miss French: Uhm... well, I could.... errrr... Oh yeah. *sigh* CRAP! GAK.

Blaine: Now why do I have to be the stereotypical jock guy and also a virgin?  
Joss: Because people like you made my high school life a living hell and I wanted to try to emasculate you on national TV.  
Blaine: Well I was in this whole episode, why am I only in this scene?  
Author: Because people like you make _my_ high school life a living hell. So HA!

Buffy: Well Angel, you can have your jacket back. *flirt, flirt*  
Angel: Keep it, it looks better on you. *flirt, flirt*

Other creepy teacher: BWAH hahahaha, I own you all now!  
Buffy: Is it too late for the other substitute to come back? I like the mantis lady.

Egg sack: Hahaha, you missed me, now I shall rule the world!  
Janitor: Dum de dum de dum *starts spraying*  
Egg sack: Wha? RAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIID

_The little Grr Argh! Demon drives across the screen in the exterminator's truck from Men In Black._


	5. Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

**Disclaimer: All characters and plot belongs to Joss Whedon and all his bitkas.**

**Never Kill A Boy On The First Date**

**A.K.A 'The One with the Ridiculously Long Title'**

Buffy: *STAKE*  
Vamp: *POOF*  
Buffy: Wow. That was almost _too_ easy. I feel all hollow now.

Giles: A ring!  
Buffy: And how exactly could you see such a tiny things in such tall grass?  
Giles: Convenient camera angle, m'dear.

Buffy: Ooo! Cute guy alert!  
Giles: I do hope she grows up.. and soon.  
Buffy: He blinked! And look! He's breathing too! A guy who blinks and breathes!  
Giles: Have I said yet this episode that the world is doomed?

Xander: Will... I need help with my Chemistry. And my Biology.  
Willow: You do realize that in real American public High school it would be next to impossible to take both classes in the same year? Well, you could, but you'd have to be some sort of a major brainiac and, no offense here, but-  
Xander: Would you stop poking plot holes and _help me out here_?

Owen: Wanna go out on a date tonight?  
Buffy: Y-y-ya-a-aaah... g-g-g-  
Giles: Articulate girl, isn't she?

Buffy: Slaying sucks.  
Xander: Actually, the VAMPIRES suck. You stop said sucking and-  
Buffy: Xander! I'm depressed that I missed my date, and all you can do is sit around and crack jokes!  
Xander: Well, what are friends for?

Master: Me bully. Me speak of evil prophecies to drive the season onward! Cower!  
Vampires: Cower. Cower.  
Master: More! At least give me an exclamation point or two!  
Vamps: !  
Master: Sarcastic morons.

Giles: Ancient evil rising that could kill us all... and where's our sacred defender?  
Xander: Grooving to the tunes of Velvet Chain at The Bronze.  
Giles: Crap.

Vampires: Grrrrrr!  
Giles: Crap.

Willow: Can you get out the window?  
Giles: Judging from the wrought iron bars which are crisscrossing themselves over the window? I'd imagine-  
Willow: Hey! I don't _write_ these lines, buster! I just say 'em.

Angel: Buffy! I love you! I will forever pledge myself to protecting your-  
Buffy: Uhhhh...  
Angel: What? (Pause) Rats! *flip, flip, flip* Wrong script?  
Buffy: Wrong _SEASON_ numb-skull!

Giles: You three stay in this nice, safe, side room, and I shall...  
Owen: Wow. Look at that. A walking corpse with really, really long teeth!  
Buffy: Wrong room!  
Giles: Crap.

Vamp: Judgment day hath come and my Lord doth-  
Buffy: Evangelist vampire. Hmm. This is new.

Xander: Giles! Say something that'll stop him!  
Vamp: GRRRRRAHHH!  
Giles: Oh crap.  
Xander: Thanks, Brit-boy. Real inspirational.

Willow: Vampire staked!  
Xander: Angel's at home looking through his script.  
Buffy: Owen actually wants to go out with me again some time.  
Giles: Crap.  
Willow: Something wrong?  
Giles: Hmm? Oh, nothing actually. Just seemed appropriate since-  
Buffy: That's all you've been saying all episode anyway.

Xander: Where'd Giles learn such naughty words anyway?  
Willow: (glares) I have _NO_ idea.  
Xander: What? (Sighs) Crap.

_(The little Grr! Argh! Demon drives across the screen in a greyhound bus and then crashes it)_


	6. The Pack

**Authors Note: Hi! I just got a review and I though it was time for the next installment the 5 minute Slayer. I swear I wasn't holding the story for ransome... well maybe a little. I won't lie, reviews make me very much motivated to keep writing, so if you feel like leaving me one it would give me a happy. :)**

**For disclaimer see first chapter**

**The Pack**

Buffy: (singing while skipping) La-La-La, I just love the zoo -  
Kyle & Pack of Kids: Hey Buffy, how ya doing? - Loser!  
Buffy: OK - Who are you people and when do I get to slay you?

Kyle: Hey Lance, how ya doing?  
Lance: H-hunh?  
Principal Flutie: What's going on here?  
Kyle: We were just talking to our friend, _Right_?  
Lance: (gulp) uh, well -  
Flutie: Ah! That's great... I'll just be standing over here looking stupid.

Xander: I'll save Lance while you women stay here with Principal Flutie.  
Willow: (sighs) He's _SO_ cute, let's go help him.  
Zookeeper: Oooga - Booga!  
Buffy & Willow: YAH!  
Zookeeper: Stay away from the hyenas. They take possession of the weak -  
Buffy: That doesn't sound too bad.  
Zookeeper: - Right before they _eat_ them!  
Willow: We'll be over here by Flutie.

Kyle: Look, Hyenas! Let's feed 'em some fresh meat -  
Lance: Ah! H-Help!  
Xander: Leave him alone!  
Hyenas: *SNARL!* These kids seem pretty cool.  
Xander and the Pack: (eyes _Flash!_ green) Grr...!

Buffy: So then Angel said to me -  
Willow: Enough about Angel, I'd rather talk about Xander - Xander - Xander...  
Xander: Hey ladies. (sniff) Mmm, you smell _good_!  
Buffy: What's up with _that_?

Flutie: Catch that pig!  
Herbert: (squeals) Outta my way kids!  
Buffy: C'mere cutie. Aw, aren't you precious?  
Xander: He looks quite delicious too.

Buffy: Xander is acting weird.  
Giles: No he's not. He's just a typical moody teenager.  
Willow: But it's not every day he tries to kill me with a dodge ball.

Xander: (licks lips) MMmmm - Pass the mustard.  
Herbert: Can't we talk about this?  
Xander and the Pack: (laugh viciously like a bunch of hyenas)

Flutie: You! - I! - The pig! - _D'oh_!  
Kyle: Why don't you yell at us in your office instead?  
Flutie: Sure, right this way. Now, as I was saying -  
Kyle: Pass the ketchup.  
Flutie: What the-? *ARGH!*

Xander: BwaHaHa! C'mere cutie!  
Buffy: Ki-YAAAH!  
Xander: _OW!_ No wonder you can't keep a boyfriend.

Buffy: Stay here and guard Xander.  
Willow: But I may still have feelings for him.  
Buffy: (pulls out a stake) I can easily take care of that!  
Xander: NO! She hates me - Just go!

Buffy: Xander got possessed by a hyena, change him back.  
Giles: Ok, sure. Uh... how?  
Zookeeper: Perhaps I can help -  
Buffy & Giles: YAH!  
Zookeeper: _Why_ does everyone keep saying that?

Kyle: Will-LOWWWW...  
Willow: Yes?  
Pack: *GROWL!*  
Willow: Eeek!  
Xander and the Pack: (sniff, sniff, sniff)

Giles: Buffy, go get the Pack and bring them to the zoo -  
Buffy: -while you prepare for the reverse trans-possession.  
Willow: And what should I do?  
Zookeeper: You can be the bait - Er, I mean... my assistant.

Buffy: Come and get me you stinking dogs!  
Pack: *GROWL!* Wait up!

Willow: Here comes the Pack!  
Zookeeper: (walks out wearing face paint & witch-doctor clothes) Oooga - Booga!  
Buffy: Now _there's_ something you don't see every day.  
Zookeeper: Yabba-Dabba-Doo!  
Xander and the Pack: (eyes _Flash!_ green) Grr...?

Zookeeper: GRAAaaaaarrr!  
Buffy: HI-YAAAAAH! (flips him into the pit)  
Hyenas: Thanks! *Munch, crunch, slobber*

Xander: So... I _didn't_ eat the principle?  
Buffy: No, you only ate a pig.  
Willow: And then you tried to sexually assault Buffy.  
Giles: That's odd, you should be able to remember this.  
Xander: Not if I use the Jedi mind trick on myself... *POOF* There, memory's gone.

_The little Grr! Argh! demon howls like a hyena while leaping across the screen trying to catch a baby pig_


	7. Angel

**Angel**

Master: Sulk, sulk. I'm stuck underground for the seventh episode.  
Colin: Lemme kill something for you!  
Master: Throw in negotiating with my agent and you have a deal, kid.

Willow: Kill a cockroach, get a free beer. Life should always be this simple.

Angel: Hey Buffy... watch out! *decapitates snarly demon*  
Buffy: How romantic! Ahhhhhh...  
Angel: Ahhhhh...  
Xander: Oh yeah. They've got it bad.

Angel: Here, allow me to sleep on the floor next to you all night long. To... protect you, of course.  
Buffy: Yes. And I'll pretend that we're not hitting the viewing audience over the head with just how much you and I are attracted to each other.

The Three: We suck. You may kill us for sucking.  
Master: Works for me! *STAKE, KICK, POOF*

Buffy: And he's _really_ cute! His name's Angel.. and he's pretty pale... skulks around in the shadows... I only see him at night and in the cemeteries... You know, I'm beginning to suspect that he's a-  
Giles: Vampire!  
Buffy: No, stupid. I was gonna say "late night DJ." Vampire? Puh-lease! No way in the world is he a-

Angel: GRRRRR!  
Buffy: AAAAIIIIEEEEE!

Darla: Hey baby. Been a while. You didn't call.  
Angel: Well, you know, for the first hundred years or so of our estrangement... no telephones.

Master: Angel... it's been a while. He didn't write.  
Darla: No paper?  
Master: Meh.

Joyce: Hello person who I've never met before. Why don't you come right on inside and get a really good look at my bare and exposed neck...  
Darla: (vamps) Yay.

Darla: Angel! Do be a doll and hold this limp, bleeding body for me.  
Angel: Sure. Where ya going?

Buffy: YOU ATE MY MOTHER!  
Angel: What? No! See, this old girlfriend of mine named Darla wanted me to hold Joyce for a minute while she... damn. Why didn't this reek of "setup" from the get go?

Giles: I came to wish you well. Pay my respects.  
Joyce: How sweet and thoughtful. (pause) Wait. Isn't that something you say to a person who's _dying_?

Angel: I'm a brutal, evil, ugly beast! Well, _was_ at any rate. That was about the time I was cursed with a soul by this troop of really pissed off gypsies. (best dramatic voice) Now I am _doomed_ to spend the rest of my eternal life atoning for my various hideous and brutal crimes against humanity. I am forever in torment and-  
Buffy: Yeesh. This is already getting old and we still have two seasons of it ahead of us.

Darla: Don't worry. Bullaits cain't kill vampiahs. Can hurt 'em loike 'ell- Wow. That sounded _really_ southern all of a sudden.  
Buffy: Ride 'em cowboy.  
Angel: And they said she was the best actress money could hire.  
Darla: Shut yer yap, pardner. *BANG*  
Angel: Owie. Who said she could have a gun?

Angel: *STAKE*  
Darla: Yee doggies! That hurt loike a son of a- *POOF*

Master: GRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGH! She was my favorite! How could he kill her like that?  
Colin: Well, the sudden accent did kinda reek of hokiness.  
Master: Given. (pause) STILL IT BITES THE BIG ONE!  
Colin: I gotta find myself a new series. Something on NBC...

Angel: Look, this can't become anything-  
Buffy: - serious, I know.  
Angel: So let's just torment ourselves by standing here, ever closer, until we touch and-  
Both: *HARD KISS*  
Xander: Who here _didn't_ see that coming? Raise 'em high. I'm keeping a running tally here.

Joss: Don't you see? Buffy's cross burns Angel as they kiss which symbolises the good in Buffy rejecting the evil in Angel which foreshadows the doomed nature of the relationship! Viewers will no doubt be astounded by this meaningful and intellectual episode.  
Bangel Fans: *DROOL*  
Joss: Or not.

_(The little Grr! Argh! demon waltzes romantically across the screen)_


	8. I Robot, You Jane

**Author's note: Thank-you all for your reviews especially Lil, mmooch and RozaHathaway. I was going to wait longer before updating but i couldn't wait. BTW, the Joss comment from the end is based on a review I read of the episode. Poor under-appreciated Joss, we want you to get more emmys to! Hope I can make what is famed as the 'worst episode of Buffy ever' more fun for you**! **Yes, I realise Twilight had not come out in 1997 BUT Edward Cullen supposedly was, so cut me a break.**

**I Robot-You Jane**

_The Place: Corzona, Italy.__  
__The Time: A long time ago. Long ago. Trust me. You really need a year? Oh… Um…. Let's say 1418._

Moloch: (Speaking in Ye Olde Italiane) Carlo… Carlo my dear one… I need your love.  
Carlo: Wait a sec… you aren't… y'know… "funny" are you?  
Moloch: What? No! I just need your love!  
Carlo: Ok, so you're just a massive, green-scaled demon with horns big enough to take out a horse's brains in one headbutt. What could go wrong?  
*Moloch snaps Carlo's neck*  
Carlo: Forget I asked!

Chief Monk: Quickly! We must form the circle of Kayless!  
Monk: Isn't that a Klingon?  
Chief: No, this isn't Five Minute Star Trek, now work with me people! Bo rders. Ama zon dot com. Bar nes et No bel.  
Moloch: Nooooooooooooooooooooo! *gets sucked into the book*  
Chief: Good, now put the book in a box. Put the box in the ground. Put the ground in… never mind. Just bury it and make it someone else's problem.  
Monk: Why don't we just burn it?  
Chief: Shh! Plot holes are there for Joss Whedon's convenience.

_The Place: Sunnydale, CA__  
__The Time: About 2:30 p.m._

Buffy: So what's in this box?  
Giles: I haven't had time to look through those books so I imagine its some major plot point.  
Willow: Cool, give it to me. I haven't had an episode really focus on me yet.

Jenny: Hey, is Angel around?  
Buffy: No, why?  
Jenny: Nothing, you'll find out next season.

Xander: Willow do you need me to hang around?  
Willow: No thanks; I'll just sit here and see if this plot point comes around soon.  
Computer: Where am I?  
Willow: Cool, that didn't take very long!

*The following week*  
Buffy: Willow? WILLOW! *getting out a megaphone* WILLOW!  
Willow: Oh, wha-? Sorry Buffy, I didn't hear you.  
Buffy: How could you not?  
Willow: Sorry, I have a new boyfriend. We met online.  
Buffy: *thinks* _Wait, it's only 1997, and we haven't had the huge online boom yet._ On line for what?  
Willow: Moron.  
Computer: Watch her. Closely…. Every supple curve…. Jeezus I need a new body desperately, now!

Guy with laptop: Wait a sec, who deleted all my porn? Where did my porn go?

Xander: Doesn't this Malcolm guy give you the wiggins?  
Buffy: The fact we constantly say wiggins gives me the wiggins.  
Xander: But aren't you worried he could be something he's not?  
Buffy: You're right. He could be a midget. Or a circus freak. Or psychotic vampire stalker! He's probably Edward Cullen!

Xander: You know what happens, people meet on the net, go to a show, and then have hot sweaty sex.  
Buffy: Hmm. Willow… hot sweaty sex…. With Edward Cullen… Sounds kinky, but it could have possibilit-  
Xander: Please don't mention Edward Cullen and Willow having sex EVER again.

Buffy: Look at me… being really stealthy… in the loudest-patterned full-length trench coat this side of Tupelo, Mississippi.

Moloch: Kill her. That ensemble is just _way_ too ugly to let her live.  
Fritz: _Finally_ some action in this talky episode. I mean, blah blah blah, Moloch, love you, blah blah  
Moloch: Shut up, I'm the star of this episode  
Fritz: *quickly* Yes master. Sorry master.

Giles: Now whatever you do, you mustn't break into CRD.  
Buffy: Oh puhleeze, you just said the words "break in" and you expect us to obey you? Later! *Beeeooom*  
Xander: Later! *Beeeeoom*  
Giles: Why couldn't I have been a fighter pilot? It would have been far _less_ dangerous.

Dave: Hey Buffy, Willow was looking for you. In the girl's locker-room.  
Buffy: Why would you be in the girl's locker-room?  
Dave: Um, gotta go!  
Buffy: Pervert.

Buffy: Wow, a shower running with no one near by, and let's face it, pretty much no one showers during gym class, I fail to see how this could be a trap in any way, shape, or form.  
Dave: Buffy! There's a demon in the computer trying to take over Sunnydale.  
Buffy: Yea, _right_.  
Dave: Ok, then you're about to get electrified!  
Buffy: Oh god, my Prada boots!

Dave: I won't do it again.  
Moloch: You won't have to once the project's complete.  
Dave: But it's obscene! It's crazy!  
Moloch: But I've shown you a world, you need to do this for me!  
Dave: But I can't. I mean, bungee jumping is so dangerous a sport.  
Moloch: B- bungee jumping?  
Dave: Yea, what were you talking about?  
Moloch: Oh... nothing. Hey! Look at Fritz glaring behind you!

Buffy: Well I found Dave _hanging_ around the computer lab.  
Xander: God, that is the lamest pun ever!  
Author:(best sarcastic voice) Ooo semi-harsh talk from Xandy, I am deeply shamed!

Giles: Well I think I found Moloch.  
Buffy: Where?  
Giles: He's probably in the computer.  
Xander: So how do we get rid of him?  
Buffy: Let's try deleting a file.  
Xander: Probably won't work, we've still got about 20 minutes left in the show.  
Moloch: Leave Willow Alone!  
Buffy: Wow, Microsoft has really stepped up their error messages.

Willow: Mom? Dad?  
Clearly-not-AOL-voice: You HAVE Mail. I didn't say got mail, HAVE mail.  
Willow: God, did I really tie up the phone so long? And I don't even _remember_ logging on, and-  
Voice: Just roll with it, woman. Plot holes are there for Joss Whedon's convenience.

Buffy: Ok, we go to CRD and most likely get killed; you stay here and work on exorcizing the computer with Ms. Calendar  
Giles: But I hate that woman!  
Buffy: You'll get lucky with her next season!  
Giles: *pause* Ta ta, have fun getting killed.

Robo-Moloch: Hey Willow.  
Willow: Eeeee! You're my boyfriend?  
Robo-Moloch: Yup.  
Willow: Well at least you're not Edward Cullen!  
Moloch: No kidding, if I was I would have to commit sparkleacide, and do the world a favor!

Buffy: Here we are, trapped in a hallway, gas leaking in…. Why couldn't I have been the Chosen One for skiing?

Robo-Moloch: I love you Willow!  
Willow: I don't think so!  
*****Robo-Moloch appears to power down*  
Willow: Well that was easy…  
Robo-Moloch: FOOLED YOU! Man, that's the oldest trick in the book! I can't believe you fell for that! Wait, what the-? YAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!  
Willow: Giles' spell must be working!  
Robo-Moloch: No, I logged onto the High School Musical website!

Buffy: Here I come to save the day! *CLANG* Ow!

Robo-Moloch: Klaatu! Barata! Nikto!  
Willow: Remember me? Let's break up! *goes postal with a fire extinguisher*

*Robo-Moloch stops moving*  
Buffy: Wow, good thing he was using Windows '98!  
Robo-Moloch: I'll be back!  
Buffy: No you won't! Five seven later and not even a peep. And just to be sure… *electrocutes Moloch*

Buffy: Well let's face it; we'll never date normally. I mean, I'll probably do something like boff two vampires who both go incredibly evil, one guy in college who will never talk to me again, and Riley, who'll SO not be a major conquest.  
Xander: And I'll probably sleep with giant bugs, mummies, an evil Slayer.. and I might just leave my significant other at the alter just to top it all off.  
Willow: Yea. I mean, I'll probably get involved with a werewolf or some wacky stuff like that. It's almost enough to swear off boys entirely.  
Joss: Hmmmmmmm…

_(The little Grr! Argh! Demon zips across the screen, surfing on top of a Bookmobile)_


	9. The Puppet Show

**AN: Hello gentle readers, time for another installment of the 5 minute slayer! This week Buffy battles an evil demon who she can only defeat in she gets a review... not really but reviews are always appreciated. Thanks to all my supporters and I hope you enjoy...**

**The Puppet Show**

Buffy: This week I face the darkest of all evil-  
Willow: Cheerleaders again?  
Buffy: No! The other dark evil-  
Willow: Mystery meat at the cafeteria?  
Buffy: Alright, so maybe there are _lots_ of dark evil-things.  
Willow: Which one did you mean?  
Buffy: Since you ruined my intro, I'm not telling.  
Willow: Awww! No fair!

Girl: Walk. Walk. Walk. SCREEEEAM! *THUD*

Willow: Now will you tell me what it is?  
Buffy: NO!... Well, okay... but I can't believe you couldn't figure that out from the episode title.

Angel: Hey. I know I'm not supposed to be in this episode, but I really wanted to audition for the talent show (_Singing) _"I am the Vampire... Coo coo ka choo..."  
*commercial flips onscreen*  
Angel: NO FAIR!

Giles: And what is our next act's talent?  
Buffy: She's dead!  
Giles: And yet, still more talent than that clog dancing troop.  
Xander: Infinitely less terrifying.

Cordelia: "What would you think if I sang out of key?... Would you stand up and walk out on me?"  
*all rush for the exits*  
Cordelia: Hey! I didn't mean literally!

Principal Snyder: You suck. Sorry... gotta run. I have another show over at Paramount to get to... *ZOOM*  
Others: Weeeeeird.  
Buffy: Why couldn't someone eat him _this_ season? Save us so much time.  
Willow: And, apparently, him.

Principal Snyder: (driving by) HAHAHAHA! Eat my shorts! I have TWO hit shows!

Xander: So we have to perform in the talent show. Wonderful.  
Buffy: We could... do shadow-puppets with our hands?  
Sid: You call?  
Buffy: Shadow puppets. Not possessed mannequins. And why don't you have someone's hand shoved up your butt?  
Sid: Not answering that question. _So_ not answering that question.

Willow: Ooo! I know! Band! We could be a band!  
Xander: Like the Beatles? Groovy!  
Willow: I could be George since I'm quiet a lot... Buffy could be Ringo since she's good at hitting things... Giles could be John since he used to be a wild rocker back in the day...  
Giles: You aren't supposed to know about that yet!  
Willow: Ooops.  
Xander: Who could I be?  
Willow: Erm. Paul, I guess...  
Xander: Because I'm the cute one, right?  
Willow: No... Because he's the only one left.  
Xander: Meh.

Buffy: What's up with all the long shots? I mean, I enter a room and-  
*camera wanders south*  
Buffy: Yeesh. Not this again. YOO-HOO? Guys? My face is up _here_!

Buffy: I'm hearing the pitter-patter of little feet in my room!  
Joyce: Oh, honey! I knew I shouldn't have let you read that child birthing book.  
Buffy: What? (pause) NO! I think I'm being stalked by Morgan's dummy, Sid, is all and-  
Joyce: *STARE*  
Buffy: Uh. Yeah. Bad book. Bad, Bad Book.

Sid: Don't kill me! I'm on your side!  
Buffy: Don't believe you, possessed-dummy guy.  
Sid: I'm serious! I'm an ages-old demon hunter who has been trapped in this wooden body for all eternity. My soul, doomed to unspeakable torment until I can kill the last of the organ harvesting demons in the world! Believe that?  
Buffy: Well-  
Sid: You have nice hair, did I mention that?  
Buffy: Oooo. Okay. I believe you now!

Sid: You... will... keep... fighting... for me?  
Buffy: (teary) Always.  
Sid: Then I can die in peace.  
Xander: *YAWN* Saw this done better in "Return of the Jedi".  
Sid & Buffy: SHUT UP!

Joss: First thing next season we talk to wardrobe.  
Camera Guy: Agreed! Buffy's skirts are just far too-  
Joss: - Short.  
Camera Guy: (pause) Oh. Right.  
Joss: What did you _think_ I was going to say?  
Camera Guy: N-nothing.

*CURTAIN OPENS*  
Buffy: Uhhhhhh...  
Giles: Oh sodding...  
Willow: Eeeeep.  
Xander: (off key) "We're Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band..."

_(The little Grr! Argh! demon putters across the screen in the Yellow Submarine)_


	10. Nightmares

**Nightmares**

The Master: What are you doing in my lair? It's not the season finale yet.  
Buffy: Oh, my bad, I'll be on my way I guess…It's just, I got all pretty and sharpened my stake and everything  
The Master: Oh, alright, I suppose I could kill you now. *Munch*  
Buffy: *Scream**wakes ups*

Willow: Your dad's coming? How did your folks break up anyways?  
Buffy: I think it was my fault  
Willow: Are you sure it wasn't your Father's raging infidelity?  
Buffy: WAH!  
Willow: Don't worry Buffy, your issues make you more relatable!

Cordelia: Eww! Extra, get out of my light!  
Wendell: I'm not an extra; I'm a major plot device! I even have my own back story!  
Cordelia: Oh puhleeze! We both know you'll never be mentioned in another episode.

Xander: Hey! Are you girls ready for more of my inappropriate thoughts about lady teachers?  
Willow and Buffy: Yay!  
Buffy: Hmmm…my spider senses are tingly. I wonder why?  
*Wendell's desk is suddenly covered in spiders*  
Buffy: Oh.

The Master: Colin m'boy! It seems Joss wants each of his Big Bads to give a long, obnoxious speech about an emotion. What d'ya think about passion?  
Colin: Nah, that's totally lame.  
Master: Fear?  
Colin: That's more like it.  
Master: Oh goody!

Joyce: You didn't sleep well last night honey. Do you wanna talk about it?  
Buffy: I had _that_ dream again.  
Joyce: The one with Xander in a bathing suit?  
Buffy: *Nods*  
Joyce: Don't worry dear, that will never happen.

Buffy: Giles! What the hellmouth happened to you?  
Giles: The stacks…the turned into some kind of Labyrinth…and David Bowie music was playing…  
Buffy: Oh the humanity!

Buffy: Hey Waldo! What do you know about the spiders?  
Wendell: It's Wendell, and they came out of my dream and now they're trying to kill me like little eight-legged Freddie Krugers!  
Buffy: Awesome. Thanks, Wendy.

Cordelia: Hey Buffy! We suddenly have a test which I have studied for and you haven't!  
Buffy: That's in no way suspicious! Let's go.

Buffy: Oh these questions are evilly hard!  
Demonic Test Paper: _By signing here I forever relinquish my soul to Lucifer *Write name here*_  
Buffy: Hey! I know the answer to that one!

Billy: You shouldn't go in there.  
Laura: Why not?  
Billy: Three words: This is Sunnydale  
Laura: Huh?  
Monster:_*_THUNK*  
Billy: They never listen.

Buffy: So some kid in a coma is making everyone's worst nightmares come to life?  
Giles: Too right.  
Buffy: He really _didn't_ wake up on the right side of the bed, huh?

Xander: (suddenly in underwear) Gah! My nightmare came true.  
Willow: No. My prayers have been answered.

Fake Hank: Ok Buffy! It's time to make you emotionally insecure so that teens can relate to you despite your superpowers!  
Buffy: Yay!

Billy: The ugly man is coming!  
Buffy: Wendell? I thought the viewers would have forgotten about him by now—  
Billy: -No stupid! The monster-of-the-week!

Xander: If we split up, we'll find Buffy faster! That's always works in horror movies! Hey free chocolate!  
Scary Clown: Boo!  
Xander: Ok, this is one horror movie cliche too far! *THUNK*

The Master: Heya Slaya  
Buffy: You can't be here.  
Master: I can! My earlier speech was so obnoxious it pierced dimensional walls!  
Buffy: Oh crud.  
Master: haha! Freedom! Freeeeeeeedom!

Willow: Xander, it was horrible! I had to sing!  
Giles: Oh dear, this better not turn into a bloody musical...  
Xander: Hey look a graveyard! And night-time!

Vamp Buffy: RAWR!  
Xander: Oh no! Buffy's gone over to the dark side!  
Giles: Fear not, young Padewan she'll return to normal once we restore balance to the force.  
Xander: OK, who left the Stars Wars box set out in the open?

Giles: Now how do we get Billy to wake up?  
Xander: I've got an idea…*POKE*  
Giles: Cretin  
Ugly Man: Rawr!  
Vamp Buffy: Die, obvious metaphor for child abuse! Die!*THWACK**BAM!*  
Billy: *Wakes up* I'm a real boy! I'm a real boy!  
Back-To-Normal-Buffy: Me too! (Pause) In a girl way.

(_The Little Grr-arrgh demon is shredded by Freddie Kruger in his sleep_)

Readers: Oh my god! You killed the Grr-Argh demon! You BASTERD!


	11. Out of Mind, Out of Sight

**AN: Hey Gang! Thanks for all the lovely reviews last chapter. Also I hope you checkout the first ep of Five Minute Angel, Season 1 which will be coming to very soon...**

**Out of Mind, Out of Sight**

Cordelia: Springtime is my favorite time of year!  
Harmony: Don't we usually suffer a major apocalypse at that time of year?  
Cordelia: Yeh, but I get to be May Queen!

Buffy: I bet you're wondering what I'm doing with all these weapons, huh?  
Cordelia: Well this show is called 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer', so not really.

Mrs. Miller: "If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh?" What is Shakespeare saying here?  
Cordelia: That he really digs his Tickle-Me Elmo™?

Mitch: (singing) _I'm Mr. Alone! Defenseless and alone! I have no weapons to call my ooOOOOWN—  
_Locker Door: **Look! A Distraction!  
**Mitch: Where?  
Invisible Girl: *THUNK*

Cordelia: I'm gonna be May Queen! Na-na-na-na-nyah-nyah!  
Buffy: I could so totally be May Queen!  
Cordelia: Could not!  
Buffy: Could too!  
Willow: Buffy! Someone got beaten up by something supernatural in the locker room!  
Buffy: Why would anyone be stupid enough to go in there alone?  
Willow: Well he _was_ dating Cordelia.  
Buffy: Ok lets go, but this isn't over Cordelia. In about two seasons you and I are going to have ourselves a confrontation!

Buffy: I don't think it was a monster that attacked Mitch. They don't leave messages.  
Giles: Yes, demons do tend take a more hands-on approach  
Buffy: Mostly cos it's really hard to write with claws.

Cordelia: Hey Harm! You're just in time! I feel a flashback coming on.  
Harmony: Oh Goody!

_Cordelia: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?  
Harmony: You are, Queen C!  
Marcie: You're also the most conceited one.  
Cordelia: Did you hear something Harm?  
Harmony: Nope, not a thing  
Marcie: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words…(starts to turn invisible) Oh crud._

Buffy: There's an invisible girl on campus targeting all of Cordelia's friends. She pushed Harmony down the stairs!  
Willow: Well, at least we don't have to worry about possible brain damage.

Angel: Boo!  
Giles: What are you doing here?  
Angel: I'm lurking around protecting Buffy and taunting the viewers with how much I want to be with her, but can't. Isn't it romantic?  
Giles: I suppose so. But that doesn't mean I want to put up with two more years of it.

Buffy: So I found this yearbook in the Invisible Girl's hideout. Her name is Marcie Ross  
Willow: (sees multiple 'Have a nice summer's') Poor girl, she had no friends.  
Giles: Of course! She became invisible because nobody noticed her  
Xander: Oh god! If people thought she was nobody and the Hellmouth made her invisible, if people think I'm an ass, what's going to happen to me?

Cordelia: Buffy, I need your help!  
Buffy: Uh, Giles, I think this is a sign of the apocalypse…  
Giles: Don't be silly, they're no apocalypses scheduled til next week…  
Buffy: What?  
Giles: Uh…Tea, anyone?

Cordelia: Poor Marcie, I would hate to be alone, all ostracized and by myself  
Buffy: Someone's been reading the dictionary.  
Cordelia: Just the A section, after that I got bored.

Willow: Let's follow the ominous flute playing to our certain demise!  
Giles: Ooo! Jolly good idea!

Buffy: You know I was popular once…  
Cordelia: Where? At a mental asylum?  
Buffy: Shut up, Cord—(Is drugged by Marcie) *THUNK*

Xander: We're trapped and there's a gas leak, what do we do?  
Willow: Pray?  
Giles: Now, now it's important to stay calm.  
Angel: Hey gang! Y'all look all nauseous and spluttery today. Say, can you think of a way I could get more screen time this episode?  
Giles: Save us, perhaps?  
Angel: Ok!

Cordelia: Buffy, are you awake? My face is numb!  
Buffy: *Gasp* You got work done?  
Marcie: *Wielding a scalpel* Not yet.  
Cordelia: You don't know what you're doing Marcie!  
Marcie: Um, hello? I'm gonna cut up your face. It's pretty simple. But then, you are a simpleton.  
Buffy: I'll save you Cordy! *THWAP**BAM*  
Cordelia: AAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!  
Buffy: *THUNK*Shut up will you? It's hard enough fight an invisible person without all the racket! *BOOM*

Cordelia: Thankyou Buffy. I think that this really taught me that there are more important things in life than fame and popularity. For example, sanity.  
Buffy: That's very mature of you Cordy.  
FBI Man: Hi I'm Agent Mulder and this is Agent Scully. We'll be taking the invisible girl now.  
Cordelia: Oh. My. GOD! Buffy, we're on X Files! SQUEEEE!  
Buffy: *Rolls eyes* Forget I said anything.

_(The little Grr Argh demon dances to X-files theme song happily. Scully wants him so bad!)_

**Hope you enjoyed it! Reviews are appreciated! Also, what does the season finale hold in store? Will Cordelia finally grow up? Will Xander wallow in unrequited love? Will Angel mess up his lines? Will the Master BURST INTO SONG?**

**Find out next time on Five Minute Slayer!**


	12. Prophecy Girl

**Disclaimer: Lyrics 'adapted' (by which I mean shamelessly parodied) from Patsy Cline's 'Stand By Your Man'**

**AND NOW I present to you the season finale of the 5 minute slayers first season!**

**Prophecy Girl**

Xander: Buffy, you know how I feel about you…its pretty obvious isn't it? Well just so were clear, I love you and I want to marry you and drive to Hawaii, where we will live in a tree house and raise an army of slayer babies!  
Willow: Uhhh….  
Xander: What? Did I come on too strong?  
Willow: Strong's not strong enough a word. Maybe you should just ask her to the dance.

Cordelia & Kevin: *Make out*  
Cordelia: Did you hear that? I think someone's out there…  
Kevin: No ones out there Cordy  
Cordelia: Yeah right! Have you forgotten what town where in? Why are we making out in a car, in the dark anyhow? This is just a horror movie waiting to happen.

Giles: Hmmm…yes…'the master shall rise and'—Oh god! 'The master shall rise and the slayer…shall fail biology.*Gasp* Why? This is horribly unfair and-  
Codex: Ahem. It also says she's gonna die.  
Giles: Oh.

Kevin: Whoa, Cordy. You rock my world!  
Cordelia: No, that would be the earthquake, you moron!

Master: Mwahahahaha! (Singing) _Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake Sunny-D_. _I'm an earthquake starter, a twisted earthquake starter!_

Giles: Buffy! I have must tell you something!  
Buffy: Hi Giles! Phew, aren't you glad the earthquake's over. For a minute there I swore I was a goner.  
Giles: Well…  
Buffy: God I _hate_ those days when I think I'm gonna die. So, what did you wanna tell me?  
Giles: oh, nothing.

Buffy: Ugh. That class was so boring! I think we got stuck in a time loop or something.  
Willow: Nah. That doesn't happen for a couple o' seasons

Xander: Will you go to the dance with me?  
Buffy: Sorry Xander, but I don't think of you in that way. You're a total non-sexual entity in my eyes, like a brother, or a lamp.  
Xander: Rats! I guess there's always next season. Maybe if I wear a Speedo…

Jenny: Toads are raining from the sky!  
Giles: Rivers are running with blood!  
Jenny: …and Cordelia is showing concern for something other than her hair!  
Both: The end is nigh!

Cordelia: Willow! Hey!  
Willow: Why are you talking to me?  
Cordelia: Oh you know, I realized I like spending time with you.  
Willow: Really?  
Cordelia: Yeah. In fact, I was wondering if you would like to get together and discover some corpses some time.  
Willow: Sure, sounds like fun!  
Cordelia: Is tomorrow good?  
Willow: *Nods*  
Cordelia: K. Seeya

Willow: So how did it go with Buffy?  
Xander: Not Good. She's thinks I'm a _lamp_.  
Willow: Oh sweetie. You're not bright enough to be a lamp.

Giles: BUFFY IS DOOMED! IF SHE FIGHTS THE MASTER SHE'LL DIE!  
Angel: Why are you yelling? I'm standing right here.  
Giles: So that Buffy can overhear us and cause the conflict of the episode, you nitwit!  
Angel: Oh. Right. NOOOO WE MUST SAVE HER!

Buffy: I quit!  
Giles: Buffy…Surely we will find some way around the prophecy—  
Buffy: Not because of the Prophecy, because they pay you and not me! I'm sixteen years old, and I deserve a salary.

Xander: (Singing along to Patsy Cline, the music of pain)

"_Sometimes it's hard to be a loser  
Lovin' a slayer who's in demand  
You'll have bad times, and she'll have good times  
Killin' things that you don't understand_

_Stand by her Xand!  
Give her two friends to cling to  
And somethin' warm to come to  
When vamps are cold and hungry…"_

Buffy: *Mope**Mope*  
Joyce: What's wrong honey?  
Buffy: ...I tell you If I make it to the next season finale  
Joyce: Ok dear, but look what I bought you! A prom dress!  
Buffy: Hmmm…I suppose it might make a good shroud.

Cordelia: Damnit! Why is Kevin so late? You don't think he blew me off to watch cartoons do you?  
Willow: No Cordy, he and his friends were all horribly murdered!  
Cordelia: Well at least he didn't ditch me.

Buffy: Willow are you okay?  
Willow: No, I'm traumatised!  
Buffy: Ok, well I'm gonna go fight the Master now, so seeya later. If I'm not dead, that is.  
Willow: *Sob*

Master: Soon I will rise and all will tremble before me!  
Colin: Indeed. The humans will no doubt shake in uncontrollable laughter at the sight of your terrifying fruit punch mouth.

Giles: The bible says the anointed one is a child!  
Jenny: Yeah, cos the bible is extremely factual.

Giles: Now if only someone else was willing to face the Master…  
Jenny: Yeah. That person would be _my_ hero, that's for sure.  
Giles: I'll do it!  
Buffy: No you won't *THUNK*

Giles: Buffy's gone on a suicide mission to fight the Master  
Willow: What are we going to do?  
Xander: I'll save her.  
Giles: Xander, I don't think that's such—  
Xander: No. Patsy told me to stand by her and god damn it, I WILL!

Xander: Buffy's gone!  
Angel: She found out about the curse?  
Xander: Huh? She went to fight the Master. What about a curse?  
Angel: Oh, uh, never mind.

Master: Grrr! Slayer!  
Buffy: (holds up crossbow) Say hello to my little friend! *ZIP *ZIP*  
Master: Foolish child, only your blood can free me, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy!*Munch*  
Buffy: Well that's just majorly unfair…

Jenny: So, where do you think the Hellmouth is?  
Giles: I don't know, but I'm sure it's right beneath our noses  
Jenny: *Sees Mob of vamps heading towards the school* …or right beneath our feet.

Master: Oh! The power!  
*Buffy faints into a pool of water*  
Master: Hee hee! I see London. I see France. I see slayer underpants!

Xander: We have to do CPR and save her!  
Angel: You have to do it…I don't breath  
Xander: Then how the hell do you talk?  
Angel: Is this really the time to argue about plot holes?

Buffy: *gasp*  
Xander: It's alive! It's ALIVVVVE!

Master: I'm free!  
Buffy: *Thunk*  
Master: I thought you were dead!  
Buffy: Yeah, well you should know better than to run out on a girl after murder. Treating a girl like that will only come back to—  
Master: *POOF! Leaving bones behind*  
Buffy:-Stake you in the heart!

Willow: Buffy you're alive! Yay!  
Xander: I totally saved her life!  
Angel: Hey I helped too!  
Xander: Ok, now the apocalypse is over, lets go to the dance!  
Buffy: Won't we be a bit conspicuous, being all wet and covered in dust?  
Giles: Who cares? I say we go and bloody party! I'll meet you there kiddies, I just have to stop by my place and get my sequined dancing boots! *Runs out of the room*  
Xander: Er…on second thought maybe we should stay in.

_(The little Grr-Argh demon says "That's all folks!" and then quickly goes back to his task off hiding Gile's boots)_


End file.
